Short Witty Jokes - Laugh if you get it 😃😉

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. 

-----------------

I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?

-----------------

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Ocuh, I look like a pig!" 

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

-------------------

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

------------------

Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!" 

Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"

-------------------

Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.

-----------------

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

-----------------

I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.

-------------------

Q: Is Google a he or a she?

A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

-------------------

Now this one is Epic

Two men were playing golf. One of them was about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. 

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a man with feelings." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."